A Guide To 'Farting Quietly'
So your in the office, on a train, or talking to someone in a quiet room. Suddently, you need to fart, what do you? You don't want to tense up as you then look quite stupid, on the other hand though, you don't want to let rip to a rather noisy fart. Below, is my tried and tested tequnique, to fart quietly.
1 . You need to pick the location well. If your in a quiet room with a friend or co-worker, try to move the conversation elsewhere. Start walking, more often than not, the other person will follow to carry on the conversation. Try to find somewhere that is a bit more noisy.
2 . Look for soft chairs, or even beds. Anything that is soft and cushion like, will dampen the fart sound greatly.
3 . A common belief is that your bumhole is designed to muffle the sound by default. This not true. Its completely down to position and how tense you are when releasing. Try to be really relaxed, and raise your arse a little. This will help release the gas in a steady flow, often creating an SBD (Silent But Deadly) fart.
4 . The next step is to create a distraction. Before you release the gas, try to divert their attention to something else, or try and wait until a funny moment comes up, and laugh overly loud and release the fart. With hope, you'll release one that doesnt stink of shit. If it does... follow step 5.
5 . So, you've released one that stinks. The only option you have now, is to either own up to it, and laugh, or try this tactic. If you get the slightest hint of stench appearing, move towards other people, quickly. Stand next to another person. As the obnoxious smells increases, look disgusted at your fellow co-worker or friend, and move away complaining that the smell has drifted.